Babble On: Tales Of Eric

The Unbearable Lightness Of Boing


The Niceman Cometh

A Play

Cast of Characters

Sonny A mash-head
Goatboy Jr A French mash-head
Beardy A bearded mash-head
Mash Kitten A girl mash-head
ERIC A god of chaos
THOR A Viking god of storms and thunder (also a bearded mash-head)
Assorted nutters and the occasional ethereal being

A short note on stage direction.

To avoid complexity, the expression in this play can be simplified into two, all-encompassing emotional states. At any one time, the characters may be either confused (directed as Looking confused), or enthusiastic (generally directed as enthusiastically). Contrary to first impression, simplifiying the expression in this way has the effect of realistically emulating the experience of large amounts of Ecstasy and LSD. A wider range of expression is both unnecessary and out of place.

Scene 1 - A Kitchen; somewhere in East Kent. A group of young people are crowded into a small kitchen drinking, smoking pot and generally smiling. The kitchen is hideously untidy, suggesting many days of unwholesome pursuits.

Sonny How dare you? Don't you know I'm a god-fearing American, just like you?
Goatboy. Jr A fine, upstanding sort of a bloke, eh?
Sonny Ex-actly
Goatboy. Jr You do know we've still got that acid in the fridge, right?
S. <looking confused> Mental. What, you want to take it now?
G. <enthusiastically> Lets halve the tabs and get twice as many of our mates tripping. Ben wants some. Beth wants some.
S. Right. Well, if we're having some...
G. <looking confused> Whatdya mean 'if'?
S. It was just a figure of speech. If we're having some that still leaves four halves. Who, who, who?
G. We could probably twist Rupert and Ali's arm
S. <looking confused> Rupert and Ali share an arm?
G. hmmm...
S. Sorry. Er...right. I'll get it then, ha-hah!. <goes to the refrigerator and removes a small, souvenir bag-on-a-keyring> here you go then...
G. Right <enthusiastically> Come with me my boy, ha-ha!

Scene 2 - A park, 7am, sitting by some swings are Sonny, who is wearing a cardboard silver tiara on top of his blond afro and pointy plastic ears, Beardy (looking decidedly Norse) Goatboy.Jr and the Mash Kitten. They pass between them a large bottle of Whiskey (hereon known as Wooftie Juice) and a plethora of 'cannabis cigarettes' (henceforth known as Booftie tubes, or sometimes Ooftie sabres).

Publisher's note: Wooftie & Booftie are trademarks of Ooftie Corp. All rights reversed, rip off at will, though anyone sad enough to reproduce the mashed ravings of drug-crazed maniacs almost deserves to be sued. Ooftie Corp: Making death through drinking an art-form

Another short note on stage direction.

There now follows five conversationlets of varying lengths and modularistically interconnected topics, centred on a "vital to the narrative" core thingy. We call upon the discretion of the director and his troop to repeat and cycle the snippets of script in various orders and proportions with any and all characters actually saying the lines, in any order, on their own or all at once, with as background and gap-filler a constant stream of frantic giggling, swigging of Wooftie with comical face-scrunching, much coughing and spluttering, semi-constant skinning-up and Booftie burning, and some random gurning. This operates on the fairly sound supposition that mashed conversation works on an entirely different logical plane and in a far less linear way than does ordinary conversation. The conversation can, in theory, carry on ad infinitum. It will also be necessary to add a third expression to our stage directions, namely <seriously>. This is to denote the rare moments when the Actors are not required to grin and giggle frantically at each other. Don't worry, we won't be using it very much.


At some point the following conversation occurs (before either Eric or Thor start speaking through our mashheads).

Goatboy Jr. Hail Eris! Blessed be Y2K-ned, Carnagival of Wrongness!
All Hail Eris!
Sonny Errr Chaos, I just remembered mmmm...
Beardy <looking confused>Yup.
Mash Kitten <looking confused>You what ...?
G. <looking confused>What?
S. <seriously> No look... I mean, I've just remembered a dream I had...
B. <looking confused> He what? Cream?
M. K. Dream, he's going to tell us a dream.
All <except Liam> Story! Story!
Sonny <seriously> Right, yeah, Listen...

    Now you listen and remember
      This story starts a long time ago;
        way, way back in the first time, when everything was new.
          Now one day the Creator, Kara -the Sun
     who lived up in the sky, sent his spirits to shape the Earth he had created.
The spirits were from the far end of the Milky Way.

They worked hard and made all the hills,
    valleys, the lakes and the whole ocean.
        After they had done this, Kara sent the seven sisters,
stars of the Milky Way, to beautify the earth with pretty flowers,
    with trees, with birds, animals and other little crawly bugs.

      One day, when the spirits were nearly finished with the Earth,
        Kara the Creator came down from the sky
          and called the spirits back to him,
         so he came down and he called them just like that.
       He told them he wanted to create a special land
   so that he would have somewhere to put some of the animals that he liked the best
And watch over them. That's what he told them.

       So the spirits went to work and made a big high island,
        Like a mountain, poking out from the very middle of Meela,
     the ocean; out away from anywhere else. And they called the island Atlantis.
When they were finished they put a big cave on the highest point
So that Kara could come down from the sky and sit there whenever he wanted to.

       On the island there were men and women
        and they were the first of the men and women, too,
       because Kara wanted to test them out a bit
     before he let them run all over the place causing trouble.
The men and women lived out their days in happiness and contentment

Until one day, some of the men and women started spreading nonsense about Kara Saying that he was a lazy god, and that all the people should go to Kara's mountain and confront him and ask for better conditions to live in. So, one night, they all went to the foot of Kara's mountain and shouted out his name like this "Kara, come out, Kara!" and again they shouted: "Kara! Why do we suffer and toil all day when all you do is sit at the top of your mountain? We want to live as you do, Kara!" Hearing all of this, Kara came out of his splendid cave with a terrible look upon his face and the people were very afraid when they saw how angry they had made him. Then Kara spoke, his voice like thunder

"Don't you start complaining!" Kara bellowed at the people, "You don't know what I have to deal with, you foolish children!" and with that, the mountain top began to crumble and fall away, leaving only fire and smoke in it's place. The people ran and scattered in all directions, some of them falling into the fire, gobbled up and never seen again, some of them hidden away in the bushes. Then, all of a sudden, out of the fire, came two goat-headed gods more terrible, more fierce than any they had seen before. The great and terrible things roared after the fleeing men and women saying "Behold, WE ARE CHAOS, RAW AND PURE!. Take what is offered to you by Kara Sun-God or face us instead!" But the people were too afraid to ask what Chaos offered and so they ran back to their hiding places and there they have stayed ever since.
or so the story goes....

((( A NON-THEATRICAL PARENTHESIS: 'Yeahhh... That does sound like Grandad and uncle Barry', mused Eric, 'for that matter I can remember Kara', Eric snorted to himself disapprovingly, 'Bloody Sun-Gods, bunch of up-their-own-arses hot-tempered fiery fuckers (nice wives, Goatboy LIKE). Dammit, Kara had been an Atlantean Sun-God as well, the arrogant swine had tried to take over... Oh boy, that had been the mother of all Smitings, yes brother... Wait a minute !? I... Well strap me into bondage gear and let me loose on a Church-full of sex-starved nuns < PLEASE EXCUSE US: There will be a short commercial interruption while Eric explores the full implications of that particular train of thought. BUY WOOFTIE! GUARANTEED TO KILL YOU! Thank you for your patience > But??... I can see! I'm awake! Oh Joy, Rapture, and happy things with little bells on! I haven't incarnated in someone and been conscious for years. Now, what's going on here I wonder?' A shudder of pleasure stroking its' way up Sonny's spine blossomed in Eric's mind leaving them both reeling for a timeless moment. After coming to, his new eyes showed him that he was in a park, a little after dawn, sitting by some swings in an overly residential area. Neat dainty houses across the road, the 'normal' people they contained safely asleep, for a few hours more at least. Peaceful and bright. And mind-manglingly funny. Eric rocked like a boat on a stormy sea of laughter. There were three other humans around him, with wide goggly eyes, pupils the size of flying-saucers, and the mirthful, but worried, look of people who think if they laugh much more their head might explode, or their brain matter squirt out of their ears . Eric took one look at the beardy one Thor must have incarnated into. All around the little one's aura, the heavy set form of the Thunder God blinked in and out of existence, his expression alternating with... yes, Beardy Ben, alternating with Ben's, on a simple two-dimensional spectrum, from maniacal laughter <enthusiastically> to wide-eyed incomprehension <looking confused>. Looked like that was Thor well and truly done in then. 265-4. That pig-headed Norse nutter just didn't know when to give up. Eric's musings were sharply brought to attention by FIRE, liquid fire pouring down Sonny's throat, followed by a contorting of expression and sticking-out of tongue best described by the phrase BBBbblAAAAaaaaaHHhhhhhh... urrgg... ouch. Eric stared through Sonny's eyes at the half-filled bottle of Whiskey that was being passed the circle...)))

[ Editor's Note: The author(s) kindly provided five alternate playlets to conclude this section. I have chosen this hommage to Beckett. When the Round Tuit dealer calleth, a randomly selected playlet from the five will be inserted below. Any suggestions that this is merely a device to boost our page views fivefold will be brushed underneath the carpet. ]


In this impro, the actors take part in a roleplay somewhat reminiscent to 'Waiting for Godot', but only if you've read so much literary criticism you no longer have any life or for that matter any friends, in which case you are probably a successful Oxbridge academic.
Wandering aimlessly in the playground and climbing around in the trees. Some of the trees are actually there, some are imaginary. All are very pretty. On the edges of the park appears Man Walking Dog In The Distance. This character is probably very shifty looking, he is most definitely suspicious of the four young simpletons in the park, and he quite possibly does not exist at all...

G. People, come here. Have you seen that bloke over there? <pointing to Man Walking Dog In The Distance> Does he look dodgy to you or is it me?
M. K. 'Bet he's mashed.
S. Yeah right, tripping his bollocks off, probably. I mean, there's gotta be people like that somewhere. The poor bastard's got to be too scared of the comedown to stop... tripping since he was 25 probably.
G. <looking confused> You mean he... he could be the mythical mescaline dealer??
B. <pretends to be Man Walking Dog> "Morning! Can't stop, got to be on Sirius for half past Communism. Can't keep those little green fellers waiting now can we?"
All <laugh maniacally>
B. <carries on> "Anybody want any mescaline? I've got loads. By the way, anybody seen my house? I'm sure I left it around here somewhere, it's just that I get so confused sometimes. Have a lot of trouble sleeping and all that"
All <still laughing maniacally>
B. Morning! Carry on!